Current mood:

pensive

Un long aperçu de mon âme...


La plupart des gens se cachent sur internet non?Dire qui l'on est...encore faut il le savoir,cela prend du temps...
J'ai parfois l'impression d'avoir déjà 20 ans d'introspection derrière moi!

qui suis je ?qui est ce moi que vous voyez? que vous essayer de comprendre? que vous aimez ou rejeter?

Je partagerai ici avec vous des comètes de ma galaxie, des lucioles de mon jardin et peut être bien plus, de la profondeur comme de la superficialité des moments de la vie ,de cette aigre douce routine...

Je m'appelle Hélène, je suis du nord de la France et  je suis artiste mixed media, je suis passionnée avant tout! amoureuse de l'extraordinaire de la vie humaine!j'ai plus d'un quart de siècle, que le temps nous échappe!


*J habite Cambrai depuis septembre 2003 et je pars bientôt pour vivre dans les Yvelines plus précisemment à Houdan, s'il y a des artistes, écrivains, photographes amateurs etc n'hésitez pas à me contacter :))

*Je suis bilingue

*Je suis très franche, très vraie, je dis ce que je pense ,trop sans doute parfois...je tente davantage avec le temps et la maturité de mettre de l'eau dans mon vin comme on dit, mais je deviens vite grossière quand les injustice de la vie,et le manque d'humanité et de compassion me mettent très en colère!

*j'essaie de m'améliorer et d'apprendre chaque jour,sur moi,sur la vie,les autres,ce monde...afin de mieux comprendre.accepter.

*je ne suis pas du genre à être douceâtre pour faire joli ou faire plaisir,je dis la vérité,la mienne humblement ,je reste honnête!
Parfois je sais que je suis blessante! Je suis susceptible moi même donc je ne dépasse pas certaines limites.

*Je suis néo-féministe, ce qui signifie que je ne suis pas sexiste ni une femme macho,je ne déteste pas les hommes.
Je défends juste mes soeurs et il ne me viendrait jamais à l'idée d'en piétiner une pour réussir. nous sommes toutes différentes et je respecte cela, cependant je m'attache à soutenir les Belles âmes!

Edit 2008: j'aime mes Frères aussi, les belles âmes masculines que j'ai eu la chance de rencontrer et qui m'ont touchée, encouragée et inspirée.
Cependant je pense que le soucis de genre est une façon de limiter les contacts ou de créer des douleureuses et non nécessaires ambiguités.

*Je suis esthète,j'adore la beauté de tout et la beauté féminine me touche particulièrement!
J aime l'image de la mère ,de la soeur de l amie, celle dont je rêve, la soeur jumelle spirituelle...
En tant qu'artiste ,je recrée et évoque ces images dans mes peintures et collages mixed media.

Edit 2008: je ne rêve plus j'ai les amies/soeurs de mes rêves et surtout ma merveilleuse meilleure amie Jen.

*J 'aime la nature profondemment,j aime la beauté et la variété de notre planète,je m'attache à la protéger à ma petite échelle.
J'aime beaucoup les animaux, toutes sortes,mais je n'ai pas honte de dire que je ne suis pas entièrement végétarienne.
On va dire que je mange très peu de viande juste parce que je ne trouve pas cela forcément sain d'en manger davantage...
*Je suis neo humaniste, je crois en la beauté de l'âme, ce que le coeur a à offrir, la compassion, la solidarité,l empathie, l espoir,l 'écoute attentive,les sourires au grè du hasard...
J'aime la façon dont nous pouvons nous améliorer sans cesse, en s'écoutant, en comprenant nos emotions,en mettant des mots sur les maux,en essayant de comprendre les autres aussi et la vie, en partageant, en apprenant...
*J'ai souvent dit être une rêveuse mais je ne sais pas si c est le terme exact, je suis plutôt réaliste.Le monde des rêves,ce qui m'est propre et ma faculté à voir ce que les autres yeux ne voient pas, m'appartient! m'inspirent et m'aident à reinventer les choses,la vie, a vivre au dessus de la vie même parfois mais je suis quelqu'un qui voient l'ombre comme la lumière, et j ai beaucoup d'espoir à partager pour tout ce qu'il reste à donner,tout ce qu il reste de beau ici Bas
*J'aime la douce folie,j aime créer des choses ambigues,etranges,qui apellent les autres à réfléchir,qui les attirent sans savoir pourquoi.Mais je ne vis pas 24h24 dans le pays des merveilles!
J'ai les pieds sur Terre et la tête pleine d'étoile qui scintillent dans le noir.

*J'ai conscience de la Souffrance de ce monde et des autres,J'ai mes archives personnelles mais je n'ai pas l'envie de montrer mes dossiers pour jouer les victimes ,attendrir et combler des manques d'amour.
Je n'aime pas les gens pathétiques.
Je les comprends mais j'ai surtout envie de les secouer, de leur dire que s'ils ne comblent pas leur vides existenciels,personne...non personne ne le fera pour eux....alors ils perdront encore 5 voir 10 ans de leur vie à attendre quelquechose qui n''existe pas ici Bas.

*Je suis très dure parfois, j'ai besoin que les gens se réveillent, s éveillent et prennent leur responsabilité
je n aime pas l immaturité et l 'inconscience face à ses actes.

*Malgrè tout je suis quelqu'un d'attentif, qui a ce côté maternelle inné, qui aime aider, protéger, mais qui veut quand même faire bouger les choses!
Je ne suis pas que consolation.
J'ai eté très souvent que cela, réduite, compressée dans ce besoin de me donner aux autres, de sauver des âmes...
Je ne me prends pas pour le messie( rires) j'ai juste conscience de ma faculté à dechiffrer les esprits et pouvoir ressentir leurs chemins,leurs courants d'airs froids, leurs absences, leurs trous noirs.
L'empathie n'est pas une croix ni un fardeau tant que je fais la différence.
Mais durant l'adolescence j'ai cru que sauver les autres c etait me sauver moi,car nous n'étions quUN, une seule humanité,unis dans cette souffrance de vivre sans amour,sans etre compris...
Je mets davantage de distance sur tout cela de nos jours...mais je demeure un coeur ouvert.
Les depressions me l'ont fermer à double tour bien trop souvent.

*Je suis une correspondantes, une amie de papier, j aime écrire des lettres.Les liens épistolaires m'ont fait découvrir de multiples personnalités qui m'ont énormément appris sur moi même et sur les Hommes(genre humain) en générale.
Je suis reconnaissante à toutes ces petites âmes qui m'ont ecrit,aimée, au court du temps,sur un chemin passé...
J'écris toujours ,davantage en anglais qu'en Français,car je ne trouve pas les âmes connexes en français, mais je reste à l'affût dans cette quête!
Mais les gens m'agacent vite lorsqu'ils n'ont plus rien à donner,trop imbus d eux même ou egocentriques à l'extrême!
une des raisons de mon choix de solitude.

*Cela dit  j'ai rencontrer celui qui partage ma vie, grâce à la correspondance écrite et non virtuelle.Je savais que je ne pouvais rencontrer l'amour que dans l'écriture et j'en suis ravie.

*Je crois en Dieu/Déesse,les dieux,les esprit messagers,les choses inexplicables,l'ailleurs,l'invisible...et je marche mon chemin avec ces philosophies:

-Les quatres vertues cardinales(hindouisme): 1. Non-violence, 2. Vérité, 3.Pureté, 4.Self-control
-Les quatres principes de l'esprit(bouddhisme) 1. Sagesse(Panna) 2. Veracité (fidélité) (Sacca) 3. Abandonnement du mal et de l'égoisme (Caga) 4. Apaisement (Upasama)
_Les quatres etats d'esprit divins (bouddhisme)1. La gentillesse bienveillante(la Metta) 2. Compassion (Karuna) 3. La joie empathique face aux  réussites des autres (Mudita) 4. Equanimité (Upekkha)

_les autres vertues qui conduisent à un bien être social(bouddhisme) 1. Generosité (Dana) 2. Gentillesse des propos (Piyavaca) 3. Gentillesse envers les autres(vouloir le bien) (Atthacaritya) 4. Adaptabilité (Samanattata)

Voilà je ne me considère pas comme Bouddhiste ni hindouiste mais ces philosophies me fascinent, j aime l'idée d'un Bien au delà de l'espérance
Les Dieux Hindou me fascinent, telle Ganesh,siva...j aime aussi beaucoup les mythologies et légendes, j'aime apprendre et voir que les mythes existent et perdurent toujours même à notre époque.
*je suis très mélangée, un peu comme mon art : mixed media, j aime les confusions qui mènent vers de belle poésies authentiques de l'âme.
*J'aime les gens poétiques et vulnérables,les artistes, les âmes fortes,intelligentes,cultivées,les êtres qui ont à offrir,partager,qui ne font pas que se servir mais qui donnent aussi à la vie à ce monde.
J'aime l honnêteté et la sincérité des choses qui se perdent j aime l'entraide,l'amitié immortelle...
*J'ai pas mal de défauts je sais m'excuser et reconnaitre mes torts
*j'aime la fragilité, la sensibilité extrême,les failles, les ecorchés...


English version:

My name is Helene deroubaix and I am from France.

*I am bilingual and I think it is rude and kind of easy cheap to agress me about my syntax or spelling mistakes when you are angry at me or feel I am too different or don't go along with what you think.

*I am a very frank personality,that can sound loud and pretentious sometimes but I am humble and a mere human being trying to improve myself everyday.

*I dont act or say things just to please you, I am real and very honest.

*I am an authentic woman I don't try to hide myself behind a mask though I love masquerade, playing with disguise or names to put the emphasize on one of my personalities deep inside that needs to twirl and swirl;)

*I am a neo feminist in the sense I would never want to tread on my sister's feet, I respect womanhood and I am fascinated with woman beauty.I believe in Muses rather than in mentor but sometimes some male figure have been able to push me towards the best of me & I am very grateful to them. Feminism doesn't mean hating me, well at least not all of them ;)( teasing)

Edit 2008:  I guess I under my brothers better than I used to. I believe in the touching beauty and sensitivity of some beautiful and smart male souls I have been lucky to meet and make friends with.
I love my brothers and I also think the gender thing is an idea that limits us.

*I am an aesthete, I cherish beauty in everything

*I am a nature lover, I adore our planet and her diversity, I love animals too but I am not ashamed to say I eat meat very rarely,more in winter in fact.

*I am a neo humanist which means I believe in the beauty, the empathy,the compassion,the solidarity,the way we can improve ourselves,evolve,try and understand others and life,learn always and share...

* I am a "hoper" I am very hopeful and not just an idealistic dreamer:)
In fact with time I would not define myself as a dreamer:)
I love the dream world to get inspiration,the unseen world of imagination and my soul garden where the orchids of sweet madness grow;)but I am very realistic to some extent!
I am of the pain and I have my own pain Archive but I don't want to delay on this and play the victim wasting time showing my files;)
There is no proud or shame in having been manic depressive,it was just a path in my life.
Sometimes this makes me react abruptly to other's way to behave when they are depressed but I am still a caring person even my words can be sharp and direct or dry.
I am not here to kill the dying anyway ,this would be inane and ridiculous.

*I am a penpal, I adore writing creative letters and sharing deep thoughts or daily routine with other beloved sisters and friends:)
My letters are me,very real and full of faery dust, like my livejournal very sincere and honest.I never pretend to be somebody I am not...wouldn t see the point.

Edit 2008: I don't penpal much lately.
I sometimes think about writing again, but I only would be interested in intellectual, spiritual and very literarian and interesting sharing in letters, something like the old correspondences between writers.
something romantic and inspiring!
so from now on if I could exchange letters that would be with other writers or artists who are not just self absorded of course :)


*I am not religious but I believe in God/Goddess and maybe Gods and Goddesses too,I pick from here and there, Buddhism,hinduism and paganism inspire me a lot and I walk my path with these philosophies:
-The four cardinal virtues(hinduism): 1. Non-violence, 2. Truth, 3.Purity, 4.Self-control
-The Four Mental Principles(buddhism) 1. Wisdom (Panna) 2. Truthfulness (Sacca) 3. Abandonment of evil and selfishness (Caga) 4. Appeasement (Upasama)
_The Four Divine States of Mind (buddhism)1. Loving-kindness (Metta) 2. Compassion (Karuna) 3. Sympathetic joy over others' achievement (Mudita) 4. Equanimity (Upekkha)

_The Four Virtues Conducive to Social Welfare(buddhism) 1. Generosity (Dana) 2. Kind Speech (Piyavaca) 3. Benevolence (Atthacaritya) 4. Adaptability (Samanattata)

I of course still need to improve my being and I dont consider myself a buddhist,I am not religious,I just am very fascinated with philosophy,wisdom,knowledge and higher good.
I am also fascinated with ganesh,siva,hecate,persephone and other Gods and goddesses.(and also Inanna/Ishtar, Etain and Selene...


Edit 2008: I still believe Kind speech is important. so when I meet a fucking bastard who want to trash my soul because of their own vacuity I could be more compassionate and instead of saying fuck off I should say may you be blessed with a brand new brain and a brand new intelligence of the Heart for I am so sad for you to see how much you need to walk on my feet to feel better, but hey if it makes you feel better help yourself fucker!

I am no lamb when people misuse power just to make me feel bad, of course they teach me something,not to become like them but I still wonder what's the point in being mean for free?
Perhaps some people should fill a bit more their timetable.


*I am sometimes not delicate in the way I speak but most of the time I am aware of it and know how to say I am sorry!
(see above ;) eheh

*I have been weak to anger but I try as much as I can to tame it:) but I dont think anger should not exist, it's an emotion and it needs to be expressed.

Edit 2008: I am proud to say my anger management has never been better but hey don't cross the thin line I have drawn, ;) at your own risk otherwise ;)
no seriously I dont have time to lose with negative people and bitter spiteful bullshits.

My Time Is PRECIOUS.

*I am very independent. I am more like a loner and recluse as I stay most of my time alone and in my room( making art,writing,singing,being creative or just doing nothing,meditating...)I love solitude though sometimes I feel utterly lonely ,like disconnected from others,cut from the world due to being so different( not different in that sense "how cool you are!" different in the sense there is a real gap between me and people in general.

*I am closer and closer to become a fearless person:) I am more and more a daring soul.

*I am an artist and trust my skills and creativity. I know it's one of the language of my soul and has to be shared:)

I sell my artworks and accept commissionned works

I can make anything:altered tins,collages,tshirts with my collages,cards,invitations

,postcards,bookmarks,mini cards,squared art,website designs,magazine book or cd covers whatever:)

*I still don't know how to deal with my perception of Death but I try to be less and less morbid nowadays though I think about it at least once a day for sure :p

I focuse on the energy of life,bring dead back to life,try and save souls if I can:)we all can be there for another human beings!:) we all have this tiny magical power to give a smile and make others day,help them feel better,feel loved and be seen and heard.THis is SO important to me.

*My values are very important:

-family, love,respect,empathy,compassion, understanding/listening,protecting humanity in my way,ecology( I am not obsessed about it,I am not a green peace supporter,in fact I don't belong to any groups,but I love Nicolas Hulot association:)
I recycle I do easy things like reusing papers and carboard,I dont mix up what is recycled with rubbish,I bring back to my supermarket the empty ink stuff or battery etc,because they can recycle them!
I am very irate and mad when I see batteries thrown in the street for it's tiny but so polluting!knowledge( learning,reading,living things to evolved and get more mature,being able to take steps backwards and change if we have to)

*a life without art/creativity would be hell to me
the same goes for a life without some kind of literature,without books and paper to write...
*I am co dependent in the sense that I need the sharing so I must accept the fact I need others in some ways:) I need like minded companions for interactions are the better way to evolve and learn quickly. Others are inspiration to me.

*I cherish my love Sébastien,my cat Takun,my whole family, my soul sisters and dearest friends:)/penpals & all the people who have crossed my path and taught me something, shared something with me.
*I am very busy most of the time so I have found the better way to deal with one of my enemy: Mister Boredom;) I am always doing something and having lots of projects:)

*I am a tv show addict but I mostly download them in original version for I prefer watching things with the real voices.(desperate housewives,lost,smallville,dawson,carnivale,joan or arcadia,nip tuc,L word...)but it doesn t mean I spend my whole time watching tv for I am not a tv lover in fact...yeah paradoxical indeed!

*I believe in fairies and I love them very much! I believe anything is possible and I dare to be wrong and naive sometimes ,it's the easiest way to live and leave the frustration of bitterness and egocentrism:)

*I am sick of selfishness and egocentrism...a little is not bad for we are human,this life is mine so I do things for myself too and love myself,but those who can't give,have nothing to share/offer and who just take and use others truly bore me to death and finaly don't have any interest for me.I avoid them as much as I can.

*I admire big generosity and people who dare to give not wanting much in return, just giving out of humanity or love:)
la metta loving kindness is a big part of my world though I wouldn t define myself as the kindest person on Earth. I am selfish too but I really care and always want the best for everyone.I need to know my loved ones are fine and healthy but I am also hurt about other human beings' pain and feeling lost.

*though I am such a chatter box on paper( and in real life when I am at ease;)so better not be at ease with me ahah;D)I am also a great listener!

*I am an introvert though my appearance and soul can look eccentric:)

* I am a mixed up of lots of things,a very baroque personality I like to say:)

*I smile a lot since depression left me for good and I am always there for anyone who needs to be heard and to vent,to share something too heavy for them whatever:) just a mail and I reply:)It's free and surely more human and honest than at the shrink;p

*I am not very friend with therapy and shrinks but I believe in art and music therapy. I also believe that sharing and offering something can be a good therapy ,forgetting oneself and one's worries.

*I have a phobia of meds but I try to deal with that!

*I am rather migrainic but I try to control my stress and anxiety so that I have less and less of them:) I do acupuncture for them, I am not friend with needles but well a bit masochistic enough;)

*I have lots of obsession and compulsion

Edit 2008: more obsessions, more compulsions than ever. Sometimes for the good sometimes for my worse or others' worse, I am trying to find a way to balance that, thinking peace and balance would be boring like feeling death? huh?not yet sure. still thinking and analysing this.

*I am not ashamed of my flaws and incapacities,sometimes it annoys me but I try either to improve,try again or just to accept them as they are if I can't change them:)
nobody is perfect and it's what is interesting and beautiful. I am not always that positive about this though ;o)Sometimes it creates an abyss inside of me and I feel at war with my ego.
Some other artists must feel the same,feeling not enough,feeling devoured by higher goals that we want/need to reach at any cost.I keep on falling down to rise again, very often.

*I love frailty,fragility,weaknesses,failures,breaks and hyper sensitivity or people.

*I admire honesty,frankness,those speaking the truth. I love those who are reliable.

*I admire daring soul,people who stands the pain and always try to cheer up,those who are courageous and don't give in nor give up...I have given up too many times but I wont allow myself to abandon me anymore!

*I am very shy and introvert so speaking in public is like torture to me,but I try to fight this slowly ;oP

Edit2008: still healing my shyness and introversion, did many things that were not from my nature, like silly or smart videos at youtube

http://fr.youtube.com/user/heleninaseb

I think I look awful , plain, so very shy, even more than I really am perhaps, a bit confused etc, but I am still quite glad I have made it, challenged myself, dared to do so and learnt a lot about how to make a video and a imovie, that was interesting for a person like me who sucks at computer softwares big time! ahah

* I love yoga and doing some sport though I am a true lazy ass I just know it's healthier for the mind and you feel so much better after an hour of sport! swimming is the best for me!

*I love every water things. I am a piscean merfae and so I need water a lot. guess it's one of my fav element with fire!
I am fire too due to my vulcanic passionate character.I am a weird dichotomy which is why it is very difficult for people to understand me,to grab my essence, I feel most of the time people might see ...what? 10 % of who I truly am. I think it's rude of them to put me in a category and think they have analyzed me and my psychosies/neuroses ;p

*dereliction is one of my favourite word for its sound but it's my worste enemy, this sensation of huge seperation of the soul, this need for a kindred, a spiritual twin, an half, something that might not exist for we all are alone in this life,we share,we give, we love and whatever is lived we all end being alone inside.That's why I am still very melancholic at times especially in Winter.
I am rather a Springtime Faery Witch!

*I can't stand hollow promises and betrayals. I have lived them and surely will live some again, but you'll never be back in my soul garden if you've betrayed me.I forgive but I don't forget an d as soon as you betray me and I feel disapointed you're not interesting, not real enough not reliable enough to me and the story is over.